Heero, Time of Decision
by Azusa-J
Summary: Why does Heero kiss Relena in Blind Target? This is a reflection told from Heero's POV. Warning: It's an Anti-1XR fic. Don't read if you like this pairing. (Complete and Revised) Yes, I revised it. It should be much better now.


Heero, Time of Decision (Heero, Ketsui no Toki)  
  
By Azusa-J  
  
  
Yes, I revised it. Now it sounds more convincing, at least in my opinion. I added a lot more reasons and thinkings about the kiss, since from many reviews, I learned that the kissing part was not as convincing as the teddy bear's. I put more scenes from the Blind Target to enhance the real meaning behind that kiss. I hope this revised version is better.  
  
Thanks to Poop (in love by fantasy, that's what I define the 1xR relationship), A Ai-chan (Thanks for the compliments), Crystaltear (Thanks for your e-mails. This revised version has been improved based on your suggestions.), Sari (Thanks for the compliments), 2x1 :D (I'm starting to write that sequel now), DragonBlond 04 (I appreciate your comment. I think that there is not much Relena Bashing here), DemonKing (Reflections on that hugging scene? Good idea. Thanks), Moon Dragon, AngelKing, Relena Yuy (This revised version is better), ShiroKitsune (I explained that scene in this revised version), and noodlepower (Thanks for your compliments) for the reviews. Whoo... I don't believe it, I posted it for only one day and received 12 reviews. Thanks for all those reviews. I love them. I learned got many suggestions from those reviews so I kind of rewrite the fic again. Hopefully, this one will be better. Arigatou, minna-san!  
  
  
Date: April 6, 2002 [Revised]  
Disclaimer: *grabs a Hee-chan plushie* Kawaii! Kawaii!! *puts it back down and sighs* but they are not mine... Everything in the Gundam Wing Universe is not mine.   
Time setting: After Blind Target   
Warnings: mild Relena-bashing, Heero's POV, spoilers (?)  
Feedback: Yes, definitely! Please send it to azusaj@gundamwing.net  
Pairings: none, well, Anti-1xR, does it count?   
Rating: PG-13  
Notes: As a 1x2x1 supporter, I always find that the kiss in Blind Target bugs me. (Oh well, actually there is no proof that his lips touch hers. Maybe he just leans forward and whispers something to her. But just assume he kisses her, k?) Yes, that's a definite 1xR evidence and I object it. So I write this fic just to flip things around. This fic is going to be reflects from Heero's POV and will have lots of thinking in it. PS. I've only learned English for a few years. I've tried my best on the grammar and spellings. If you find any thing bad, feel free to tell me.  
  
Final Warning: Anti-1XR. Please do *NOT* read if you like this pairing. (but like anyone is going to listen) *sighs*  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
~ August, AC 196 ~  
  
  
Why did I do that? I thought.   
  
Inside my small apartment, I sat in front of the window while watching the heavy rain that splash on the window outside. It was late August. Due to the monsoon season, it had been raining for the whole month. Inside my heart, it was raining hard as well. I had been upset and was a bit ashamed of myself. What had I done? I had done something right yet detested. I made a regretful decision for I did not follow my emotions which I always was.  
  
Letting out a deep sigh, I shook my head and chuckled slightly. 'It was not something you can see every day, the great Heero Yuy was sighing! Probably Duo would think that it was going to be Armageddon.'  
  
It had been a month since the Blind Target incident. The remnants of the White Fangs and Romefeller Foundation had been either discarded or arrested. The Earth Sphere had once again regained that fragile peace. Everything should be all right and everyone should be happy. I shook my head. Unfortunately, it was not the case for me.  
  
I made a decision without thinking through. I *kissed* Relena!  
  
I didn't know what I was thinking. I did not like Relena, not even brotherly protection, not to mention love. I just treated her as a mission, a mission to protect in order to enhance peace for the Earth Sphere. However, this time, I did something excessive.  
  
In April, when I gave Relena a teddy bear, I had already faced the similar problem. How could I do it again?  
  
Come to think of it, why did I give her a teddy bear? I was not sure myself. Maybe because in my mind, teddy bear represented peace. I still remembered it, before I was brainwashed to a cold-hearted killing machine, I met a nameless little girl. She was walking her dog, Mary, and asked me was I lost. It was quite ridiculous that I expressed my sorrow and grief to a stranger. I told her that I was lost ever since I was born. I was not lying. In fact, I did not know what was the meaning of life back then, not even now. She was so innocent. She was a bit upset for me, a stranger. To comfort me, she gave me a flower. Just a tiny flower that could be found anyway, yet I treasured it. No one cared me enough to gave me any form of present before. That was my first gift from anyone. Inside my mind, I had secretly placed that little girl into the list of most important people to me.   
  
However, due to my stupid miscalculation, the mission was failed. I destroyed the Alliance's base along with the civilians. That had been my nightmare every night since then. It was like hell: the whole colony was on fire; countless people were killed in that incident. The Alliance had to use the weather control to put out the fire. I watched the fire that burned down everything and there was nothing I could do. Worst of all, I was the one causing it. After the fire was put out, I went back into the debris. Everything was burned and was destroyed, because of me. I still remembered it, those memories was far too familiar for me like it was yesterday's. I walked through the ruins and found that dog, Mary, that little girl's pet, lying there, dead. It was because of me. Because of my mistake. I killed it. Beside the corpse of the dog, there lay that little girl's hat and teddy bear, burned and defaced. I did not know if she was dead or alive. But one thing I was sure, this misfortunate was all my fault. I was the one to blamed for all the lost of innocent souls.  
  
As I thought of that incident, I clenched my hands and my knuckles were as white as snow. I still could not forgive myself for that.   
  
Relena... maybe I saw her like a replacement for that little girl. I still remember that day. When I saw Relena on the beach when I arrived to Earth, I saw her, that little girl, on her face. Yes, that was an illusion. I was about to kill anyone who discovered my secrets, but I could not. I could not bring myself to kill another innocent girl. That was why I chose to run away. After that, I've tried countless attempt to kill her, but failed each time.  
  
Later, as she became the princess in the Sanc Kingdom, I could no longer kill her. I fully understood that. My mission was to conquer the enemies and to bring peace to the colonies, no, to the Earth Sphere. She was a possible way to bring peace. Thus, I made myself a mission, to protect her for the sake of the peace.  
  
Even though I never showed any emotions, I was not blinded. I was well aware that Relena was in love with me. If I did not return the feelings to her, everything would be fine ne? Apparently not. The real problem was that Relena was in love with me in a delusion. My show up was like a mere fantasy for her. A fantasy that excited her: A handsome prince with secrets that fell from the sky, crashed into her boring and meaningless life and brought her dangerous adventures.   
  
That was the reason she kept stalking me around the world. If she was anyone else, I would have killed her a long time ago. But I could not do it. She was necessary to bring peace to the world. She was nothing but a mission to me. However, every time I saved her, she became drown and love me more. I knew it would be dangerous and troublesome but I could not help it. It was my mission to protect her after all.  
  
That birthday gift was totally a mistake. It had been three months since the Eve Wars. She had become the Vice Foreign Minister, the same position as her foster father. It was hard to maintain peace and I was sure that she was tired. I gave her that teddy bear because I just wanted to encourage her to keep up with her hard work, which was another attempt to enhance the peace. Also, it was like an oath for the innocent souls that I killed. An oath to tell them I had obtained the peace and would continue to maintain it. I chose a teddy bear that looked the same as the little girl's, another oath special for that little girl. Relena represented peace in my mind, thus I thought that the teddy bear would be suitable.  
  
I was pleased when she accepted it. What I did not expect was that she really thought that was a gift of *love*.  
  
I sighed again at the word "love." Yes, maybe I was not good at dealing with those teenager's things. I had never loved her, not before, not now, and not even in the future. After I understood there was a misunderstanding, I decided to evade from her since I could not take back the teddy bear. Then I did not get in touch with her anymore. Well, I did not call her anyways, it was always her who called me.  
  
But in that Blind Target incident, as I found out someone was about to kill her and caused tension between the Earth and the colonies, I had to save her again. It was my mission after all. As I went to save her, she thought I loved her, as always.  
  
However, on the journey towards to colony where I was planning to meet with the other Gundam pilots, she told me something shocking. She thought that I was shy after I gave her that teddy bear so I evaded from her. Of course that was not true. But she stubbornly thought it was the reason. She then told me that she could hardly work because she wanted to have more from me. Nani? More from me?   
  
I did not understand what that meant. But I knew that she was not concentrated on her work lately. Of course I knew it. As her protector, I watched over her in a distance to make sure she was safe. She had been daydreaming and sighing all the time. Was that me who caused it? Then I should fix it. How? She asked me to give her more? More?  
  
I ignored her demand first, and focused on the battle with the remnants of White Fangs. After everything was settled, I asked Duo what did that mean. I chose Duo for he knew me well enough and could understand those teenage things. His answer shocked me like lightning, she was asking me to kiss her!  
  
I've never thought about that. Kissing was an imitated act only shared between lovers, but I did *not* love her! Kamisama [1], why did she have such demand? I thought she was an innocent girl, but it seemed that I had misjudged her.  
  
I was fidgeting. It was another rare behaviour from me; I was nervous and uncertain. How could I do it? I was debating with myself. It was a fierce battle inside me mind. I thought that was probably the toughest battle I had ever fought. My emotional side told me not to kiss her. I should not force myself to do whatever I did not want to. On the other hand, my rational side stated that if I kissed her, she could then work harder to keep the peace for the world. From a perspective of a trained Gundam pilot, I should follow my rational side. As a Gundam pilot, I should do anything and everything to help maintain peace. However, my mentor, Odin, once told me to act on my emotion. If I should follow my emotion, I would just ignore her demand since it was not something I wanted do. What should I do? Which side should I choose?  
  
At last, my rational side won, which meant I had decided to kiss her. This solution would sacrifice myself for the sake of the peace. I knew I was always self-less, otherwise, I would not be able to pilot a Gundam, right? If I kissed her, then she would concentrate on her work and maintain the peace. It was just a simple touch of skin to skin. What was so difficult about it? So I made a mistake, a critical mistake, indeed.  
  
I did not know was that fate or not. The enemies were about to attack the colony we were in and the only way for us to fight back was to detonate the colony. We were assigned different tasks to accomplish: Duo and Wufei were going to the lunar base to destroy the Mobile Suit factory there; Trowa and I were going with Ralph to the White Fangs headquarter to get Sogran; and Quatre and Relena were going to the politics meeting to tell the truth. So we had to part. I thought about kissing her later, after this incident ended, after I had more time to think it over. But as I realized how fragile peace the Earth Sphere had, I had no choice but to do it right now, so she would be working hard again.  
  
Yes, she was just a little girl. A spoiled little girl who needed encouragement and present to urge her to work hard. And I, Heero Yuy, was probably the only one in the world that could offer those for her. My presence was like a spiritual prop for her, to support and uphold her. I understood that as a little girl, she needed those supports. Therefore, as much as I hated to do it, I had to endure her. There was no other choice for me to choose. Maybe it was a compensation I had to pay for killing the innocence.   
  
Before we departed from the colony, I looked at her. She looked the same way she was when she demanded the kiss from me. I shook my head, trying to shook off the disturbing feelings inside. I told her not to worry about me. I really meant it when I said that. I did not want her to worry about me. I did not love her. I was just a protector for her. She should not worry about me. Rather, she should concentrate on her work, to keep the world in peace. However, it seemed that she did not understand. She said that she wanted to, she wanted to worry about me. It was like she announced that she loved me, so she wanted to worry about me. I still did not understand those teenage girls' feelings. Why they loved to use some indirect ways to express their feelings? I swore if I had not ask Duo about it, I would never understand those undertones for that statement. After Duo's tutorial on those girl's stuffs, I now understood her every move. As I said, I was not blinded. She was confessing to me! But I chose to remained still. She looked a bit disappointed for my unresponsive reaction. What reactions did she expected from me? Then, she passed by me and said, "I had better get going [2]." Yet another indirect approach. She was saying that she was leaving so I had to do whatever I needed to do. Kamisama, did she really need my kiss this badly?  
  
She walked pass me and I stood still. My mind was at that debate again. Should I kiss her? If so, I had to do it right here and now. I closed my eyes and told myself. I had made the decision already, right? Why was I hesitating? I gathered all my courage and reached out my hand. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards me. I scrolled a bit before I closed my eyes and leaned forward, capturing her lips. I was sure that I had only placed my lips on hers for less than two seconds, and before she realized it, I bolted away.   
  
I still could not believe I did it. I kissed Relena, the girl I did not love. What had I done?   
  
People always said the first kiss was sweet, but not mine. She took my first kiss. That kiss was not sweet. It tasted bitterly. I did not know why. Maybe because I was forced to participate in this kiss. Or maybe because I did not like her taste. I truly did not know. But to tell the truth, her lips were soft but I hated it.   
  
It was lucky that all the other pilots had left so nobody saw it. Otherwise, how could I explain it?   
  
For the next three weeks, I could not get rid of that disturbing feeling, the feeling from this kiss. It was a mistake, for me, but for her and the world, it was like a gift from the heaven. My emotional side lost the battle to the rational side and made a critical mistake for myself. Now that I could hardly sleep in peace. Actually, I could not sleep well ever since I had killed those innocence. But this was getting worse. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see that I was kissing her. I did not understand why was I kissing her back then. Yes, I knew why, but how? I understood that it was for the good to the world but was bad to me. My mind knew that was the right thing to do yet my heart denied it. It was like killing me inside. If I was not trained to be a Gundam pilot, I would have died because of self-ashamed. I regretted I had ever kissed her. But I could not undo it, right? What was done was done. Nothing could change the past.  
  
Today, I knew that my decision might be a right one. It seemed that she could work again after we parted. This morning, when Duo came to me and asked me to send the Gundam to Quatre, we saw her on the news. Duo remarked that it was good to see her fine. Yes, it was. I had not contact her after that kiss. Like before, she thought that I was shy but did not know my true intention. Not that I minded anyways. I did not want to see her unless she was in danger. That was the first time I had seen her since we kissed. From the screen of the television, I could see she was confident and concentrated. It looked like she could really work now. I guessed it was because she thought that I was in love with her, so she had to work hard enough to please me. That was love. She understood that I wanted to have peace, so she worked on it. Well, if the world could have peace, some individual's sacrifices were worth it, ne?   
  
I asked myself again: Did I make a right decision? Still, I did not know for sure, yet. I had asked myself this question so many times that I had lost count. But one thing I was sure, I did not love Relena. All I did was for the sake of the peace.   
  
I sighed again. I had been confused and upset for a month. As always, whenever I thought of that misfortunate, my mind could only think:  
  
...I wish...I wish my self-sacrifice can bring true peace for the humanity...   
  
  
~owari~  
  
  
[1] Literally means "god." In this case, it is kind of like "Oh my God" in Japanese.  
[2] Taken straight out from the English version of Blind Target.  
  
  
Azusa: It is a bit different than what I initially planned, but I think this is better. A bit of angsty and a bit of Hee-chan torture. As you can see, I don't like Relena. But I am not seriously bashing her, ne? I am being gentle, in fact, too gentle.   
  
If you're a 1xR supporter, I wish to hear from you. What do you think about it? I know you may just want to kill me for this, but please, I want to hear something from the other side. If you just hate it or think that this is just stupid, still, please tell me.   
  
If you support any other pairings other than 1xR, feel free to tell me how do you think about this fic. Of course, I want to know how "anti" it is. Any suggestion for improvement is welcomed. In fact, this revised version is out because people are not satisified with the last version. Please tell me how you feel about this fic.  
  
I'm thinking about writing a sequel for it, sets after Endless Waltz. Yup, another Heero's reflects to Relena. But I want to know how do you think about this one first. So that means I want some feedbacks and reviews. Please, review... Onegai... 


End file.
